Ever seen what a KILLER looks like?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen...I have killed. Taken a life. ERASED someone (as my friend Skorch likes to say). Take a look at the following (or avert your eyes, if you have a weak stomach), and gaze into the eyes of a LUNATIC!!

Oh yes, I have done it. You can see my hapless victim laying at my feet. I can argue though, that it was self-defence people! I swear, it was this monster jellyfish or me! He had his stinging mechanism all ready to go. I was just swimming along, minding my own goddam business, when an entire school of these little bastards came toward me as fast as their jelly-tentacles could move them. I tell you, I had to make an example of one of them. Thinking fast, I grabbed for the nearest stick floating in the water, and rammed it into the mushroom head of this foul beast. He never knew what hit him! I dragged his lifeless corpse to the shore, and there had my picture taken with him.

To the victor go the spoils, they say. I barbecued this little beauty in some soy sauce for dinner. Crazy? You may say that. But then again, if it happened to you, wouldn't you do the same? God, I am so sick of packing. Good thing I have this blog to keep me company!

Two more weeks, and I am outta here!!

Oh holy crap! It's Karate!!

Dear Jesus,

I had my first ever volunteering job as an interpretor for foreigners today. It was a stressful day of running all over the place, and being grabbed left and right by the needy people from all over the world who had come to participate in the 50th annual "International Friendly Shorinji-Ryu Renshinkan Karate Together Eating Parade Festival Friendly Tournament" as it's called here. Or something like that.

Actually, it was a bit of a let-down. Not only was I not asked any questions by needy foreigners (they didn't need anything), but the people at the tournament didn't even have my name on a list. However, feeling bad for me and Sandy (the other volunteer), they gave us each shirts, and a bento lunch, and told us to walk around kicking the foreigners the hell out of the Japanese peoples' seats. Needless to say, we were bored, and we kicked more than a little ass.

The tournament for the most part was pretty goddam boring. It wasn't anything like the Karate Kid...none of them. Not even part 2 when he went to Okinawa with Mr. Miyagi. The opening ceremony lasted nearly 2 hours, and made me want to strangle somebody. When the tournament finally started, it was bullshit. The kids just practiced their forms, and were judged on who had better style between the two opponents. No hitting. No kicking in the face. Nobody sweeping any legs (Sweep the leg Johnny!!) Anyway, this continued on for a couple hours, since there were more than 1000 participants.


The exciting stuff happened at the intermission when this crazy drunk guy got on the floor (god only knows how they let him out there), and he started prancing around like a retard, nearly falling down with every step. He's apparently a third degree blackbelt or something. Oh wait, Sandy informs me that he wasn't drunk, but was in fact, a fucking tard. Come to think of it, it did seem a little like watching Sean Penn go running for Lucy (Looossssiiiiieeee!!), and watching him fall down the steps with that cake, and that rediculous grin on his face. Now there ladies and gents, was a class act tard. Heh...actard. Get it? Actor? Actard? Anyway...

Okay, and now for more crazy antics from the Koreans!! They hate the Japanese even more than the Chinese do...and that's sayin' alot! Take a look at this site to see some great photos!

Millions of years on the planet, but...

Man! I spent the yesterday with some friends who are also going back to their respective countries. We hit a somen nagashi restaurant for some fantastic cold noodles served in a trough of swirling water...trust me, it's much better than it sounds. Then we decided to go to the beach for a last hurrah. We got to Hetsuka Beach (the most beautiful beach in all of Kyushu), and were treated to one of the most incredible sights known to man - a stupid turtle.

I don't mean "a stupid turtle" as something a kid would say, like "Oh, it's just a stupid turtle." No, dear reader, I mean that this turtle was fucking dumb! Check out the following pictures for a display of stupidity so great, you'd think this turtle should be on the Jerry Springer show.


As you can see, the turtle follows its age-old instincts, and climbs out of the sea, onto the beach, and begins its treck to lay its eggs somewhere on the beach. There are usually about 150 turtles that come to this beach each year to nest.




And next, you can see that the turtle is continuing on its long journey across said beach. Now, unbeknownst to the turtle, but definitely knownst to anyone who LOOKS, this beach is basically like a little peninsula between the ocean and a river, which runs behind the beach. That's what makes it such a great beach...when it's too hot to swim in the ocean in the summer, you just jump into the nice cool, refreshing river!



And maybe, dear friends, that is what this turtle was also thinking, since as you can see by her turtle tracks, she has leapt into the raging river down below! Is all lost for the turtle? Will we ever find out what became of her? Was she swept out to sea, never to be seen again? Tune in next week for another exciting edition of Tales of a Stupid Turtle!! Just kidding, look below.



Here we see our heroine, scrabbling madly for any purchase she can make. unfortunately, she's just a turtle, and lacks any kind of tactile devices that would allow her to access the top of the beach. I think she's a lost cause, and because of that, there's only one thing to do - make fun of her.


And that is just what Hanae has decided to do. Can you believe the audacity of this woman? Making fun a poor defenseless (stupid) turtle! Shame on you Hanae!! How could you!?! But this isn't the end of our stupid turtle saga. No, this turtle would've just kept on and on had we not helped it on it's merry (stupid) turtle way. How, you ask? Let me show you...



You see, the turtle had started trying to walk away, but it wasn't getting very far. I mean, how far would you get with your womb stuffed with 40 or so big freakin' eggs just dying to get laid? Uh huh, that's what I thought. Anyway, we thought we'd help nature take it's course.


Here we see the crew contemplating what was to be our biggest adventure...the digging of the Uchinoura Canal. We had a tough job ahead of us, but it was all for the saving of one of God's (stupidest) creatures! We all knew what we had to do.


And here we see the bearing of the fruits of our labor. We had ceased being men and women (and stupid turtles), and had become GODS. But oh friends, this was just the beginning. Little did we know, but our canal was soon to become more than we (or that stupid turtle) had bargained for.


Here is Marcus, nearly being swept off his feet as the current increases to an unholy pitch, as if all the demons of hell were denying us our deification. Fergus is stranded on his rock with no chance for escape!


Fergus, stranded with no hope for survival, contemplates jumping the chasm, or vortex to HELL, that he has helped to create. Marcus lets him know in no uncertain terms, that he will surely be killed, and washed out to sea, "over there."


Here is the "over there" of which Marcus was speaking. A horrible current, which would certainly have killed us all, given the chance. Unfortunately, there was nothing we could do for Fergus. I believe he may still be stranded on his rock, watching over the mess he helped to forge. The stupid turtle on the other hand, has finally regained its rightful place in the sea, and I'm happy to report that it came in again later that same evening (in a different place), and delivered its batch of eggs, so that a whole new generation of dumb-ass turtles may repeat the same mistakes their mother once made. Only time will tell I guess.

...and I'm out

And so ends an era...Today was my last day in the Joshiko. I gave a fine performance in my goodbye speech, bringing a tear to every eye when I said, and I quote "Guten morgen. Blas mir einen en ist sheissengaaten." My German isn't really up to par, but the students told me they wanted my speech to be in German, so I conjured up the only German that I know, which roughly translates to "Good morning. This shithole can blow me!" Luckily, the students and teachers knowledge of German is about as good as their English, so nobody caught on. I then launched into a riotously funny speech in Japanese...trust me. It was great. I had the crowd eating from the palm of my hand. Then Pregnant Sensei spoke, and bored them to tears with her crying and talk about how she'll never forget their kindness, blah blah blah. She was there for all of three months.

Anyway, after school, I went out with some real characters...my old homies from Daiichi Kanoya JHS. They were having a party at one of the teachers' houses, and I got to hang with some teachers I haven't seen in a year, so that was nice. I got to hear scandal after scandal, since I'm not in the school, and they trust me with stuff they wouldn't tell their own spouses. And speaking of spouses, apparently Moriyama sensei dumped her husband of years (my frequent karaoke taxi man), and found a new boyfriend in the same month her divorce came through. Also, lots of trash talking of the students - the horrible, horrible students. One teacher had his wallet stolen from the teachers' room today. But whose fault is it when you leave your freakin' wallet on your desk for all to see?

Oh well. It's all good. My boy, Steve is off to Viet Nam today for a sex-week...er, I mean SIX-week vacation on the beach. Good luck, buddy! Drink a couple for me! As for yours truly, I'll be sunning on the beaches of Japan henceforth and forthwith for the next three weeks or so. I've got 2 1/2 weeks of vacation time burning a hole in my swimming trunks, and nothing but boring office days to account for, so I'll be oot and aboot in Kanoya for the duration of my tenure in Japan. Move over jellyfish! There's a jellier fish comin' in!

Oh dear god!

Wow! I don't know what to say... Today I attended a dance event put on by my lovely ladies at the girls highschool. We walked about a mile through the stifling heat to the city cultural hall for what I assumed was going to be an entertaining round of Janet Jackson-esque hip hop dance routines made up by the girls. Each class was supposed to prepare a couple different routines for the show. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the short and curlies being flashed by my 17 year old lovelies. Little did I realize what I was in for. Unfortunately, I didn't have my digital camera along - just my cell phone. But I guess these pics will have to do. It wouldn't matter anyway, because I really would've needed a video camera for you to get the point of what was going on.

First, as I said before, I assumed it was going to be a bit a flashy short skirted fun, which was why I agreed to bear the smoldering heat of the day and go to the show. I was, however, sadly mistaken. The show turned out to be one of the most strange and surreal events of the year for me. All of the groups turned out to be actually doing something more like performance art than pop-style dancing. When I say performance art, I mean that in the worst sense of the word. They were hopping around on the stage like little bunnies with one leg caught in a trap. Deranged bunnies! They looked a bit like German mumenshantz artists, except they forgot their big bags at home. There is absolutely no way to correctly describe the madness at hand. Suffice it to say that I hope I can regain my sanity after watching this sad display. Ahh, but only one day to go, my friends...just one more day!

In the mean time, check out this link for one of the funniest bits of Engrish around!

Ahahaha! Ha...heh. ahem...

Classes are finished for me. Everybody knows that. I said it before. So you all know. However, I still have some official duties and parties to attend before they throw my ass outta here. Anyway, last friday I visited Higashihara Elementary School for the last time. They were throwing me a farewell party, so I had to attend (was gonna take vacation and make my 3-day weekend a 4-day weekend, but...).

Okay, so I got to the school, and we went into the gym, which was probably about 130 degrees or so. I don't know, but it was 34 degrees outside, so it had to be at least 38-40 up in that bitch! I was sweating buckets, and I had to stand close to the kiddies for pictures and stuff (see the archives for stories of me sweating, and how I don't like to be touched by kids), and I think they were dragging it out on purpose. Anyway, it was a nice ceremony, with many kids giving me presents (which made it nicer), some of which will make for good omiyage when I get back home!

But the subject of this entry is "Ahahaha! Ha...heh. ahem...," and therefore you must be wondering what in the hell was so goddam funny. Well, I'll tell you. As the principal was blustering away, giving his final farewell speech, and just generally taking up time so that nobody would have any down time between classes, there came a loud machine-gun-like sound from the front of the students. The principal was stopped in his tracks, and everybody in the gym began to duck and cover, as we all assumed it was a terrorist attack on this little mountain school.

But as the arms came away from people's heads, and the smoke cleared, we all realized (too late) that we should've run for it, because the cause of the disturbance was none other than a little girl whom I'll call "Stinky" from now until the day I die. She sat looking around innocently, as if nothing had happened, til the kid sitting next to her started hitting her and yelling "Kusai! Kusai!!" That's the J-word for "stinky," if you didn't know. Well, Stinky just sat there like a little trooper, and weathered the storm of insults from her friend. He did stop hitting her for awhile, as he had to cover his nose for a couple minutes. Then I think she may have threatened him with another one, because he stopped hitting her.

The best part about the whole event was when the principal just stopped reading, and stood with his mouth open for about three seconds before regaining his composure. I let out a short laughing burst, which I quickly stifled, and I know the rest of the teachers were about to retch from trying to hold it in. What a great way to end my career in Japan!

That's It!!!

Yes, gentle reader, I had my last fucking class today!! Never again will I have to teach some buck-toothed little bastard how to properly say "Aimu fain sankyu, ando yuu?" Never again will I have to listen as the Japanese teacher of "English" drones on and on in Japanese for an hour. Never again will I play fucking fruit basket!! Never again will I be in danger of receiving the kancho from some little shit in the 4th grade. Never again will I be so fucking bored at my job, and have so much fucking time to waste, that I can learn html, cgi, php, and all the other languages I've learned. Never again will I get paid 30 grand/year to sit on my arse and surf the net.

But now I can begin many, many new projects...like posting all the naked pics of my 17 year old students (I couldn't before, because it would break the student-teacher laws. Now it's fine!) Or becoming a chapter president of the anti-oyaji club in America. Or working to curtail the number of JTB tour groups allowed into America per year...say, we can set it at one/quarter or so - and they can only go to New Mexico, out of the way of more famous landmarks and places. I'd say North Dakota, but since I have family there, I wouldn't want to subject them to JTB tour groups, so...NM it is!

Anyway, I have approximately one month left in the country before I slog my way across the Pacific, and into the waiting arms of Big Brother, er Amerrrka. I'll spend most of that time on vacation, possibly checking out the volcanic island of Iojima, just south of here. On a clear day, you can see it from Sata, just out there by itself smoking away in the middle of the ocean. But I digress...I have three more days that I have to be at school, and then I'm scheduled to be in the city hall until the 4th of August. But knowing what a fucking tool my supervisor is, I saved up my vacation time, and will be taking almost that entire time off!!

Okay, students are here to see me off. I have to run. Maybe I can get some of them to pull up their skirts for Mike Sensei since he's about to leave...I'll report back.

Holy Christ!! Tomoki's Back!!

Boy, was I in for a shock when I got to school today. It seems that one of my students did a homestay in America for a year, and just returned to the land of the rising sun. I heard her voice (I've known her for a long time, as she used to be one of my JHS students), and just about jumped for joy when I realized that I would finally be able to speak ENGLISH in school!! I sat with her at lunch time, and we chatted while all the other students in the class just stood around gaping, with looks of shock because one of their classmates could actually understand what this crazy monkey was saying!!

Luckily for her, she's planning on going to college in America when she finishes highschool, so she won't have that fantastic English ability knocked clean out of her like so many of her peers who do homestays for long periods in foreign countries. I've noticed a steady decline in one of the other students' English abilities after she did a year in America. She spoke amazing English when she returned, but now she's been back for over a year, and prefers to speak in Japanese again. Ahhh, the wonderful English education system of Japan!

As I said to my homeboy Steve, now that one of my students has finally learned English (and I've had at least 3000 students in my three years here), I can return to America knowing that I've made a difference, and really folks, isn't that what the JET Programme is all about (coughs, trying to mask his laughing fit)?

You know what I miss?

Andre the Giant!! And pretty much any of the classic pro wrestlers! Damn, where did all the cool wrestlers go? You can see pro wrestling in Japan, but you ain't never gonna see somebody with as much, shall we say PRESENCE...as Andre the Giant. Now they've also got their own version of the Ultimate Fighting Championship here, called Pride, but it sucks without Royce Gracie, and fighters of his ilk. They also use frickin' GLOVES!! What in the name of God are they thinking? Jesus Christ. Get it right people!!

Oprah...she ain't got nothin' on me!

I just read that Oprah claims to have experienced racism in Paris a few days ago. Everyone knows that black people experience racism on a daily basis, but Oprah's "racism" stemmed from the fact that the evil people at Hermes dept. store wouldn't let her in to shop after they were closed for the day. Poor Oprah...they told her she had to come back when they were open! Those heartless fuckers! Well, I'm right there with you Oprah. I can't believe they treated you like one of the common petty assholes who don't have a billion dollars to their name!

On a similar note, I'll relate a story of subtle racism that happens to me nearly every damn day. In Japan, travel agents and other advertisers often visit schools, and I would say that on any given day, there are at least two to three visitors in the building peddling their wares. They make it a point to stop by every desk in the teachers' office, and give a flyer for their product and their business card. Even if the teacher isn't sitting at his/her desk, they get a flyer and a card.

Now, that's all fine and good, and as long as I'm not sitting at my desk, I also get a flyer and a card. But when I am sitting there, they will do their utmost to ignore me, no matter the cost. They will sometimes say hello to me as they pass me to place a card on the desks on either side of me, but will never stop to give me any of the info they're giving out.

Today, the travel agent came in, and as he was passing out his flyers to everyone but me, and talking about travel rates with everyone but me, I was giving him the stare of death (you get a little sick of this shit after three years of dealing with it daily). He notices my stare, and notices that I'm reading a Japanese novel in the language that he speaks, walks over to me, says hello, holds up a flyer for his company, and asks everyone "I wonder if he can read this..." I just looked at him like I wanted to destroy his body. He placed the flyer on the table near me (no card, and no conversation), and starts immediately speaking to the teacher next to me about whether she has any plans or not.

So I just crumpled the paper into a ball, chucked it into the basket in front of him, and stalked off with my book to look for a more pleasant place to read. I guess I can say that Oprah's story is a little more dramatic than mine, but she definitely ain't got nothin' on my black ass!

Oh, and yesterday, one of the ALTs called my website racist. I thought that was pretty funny!