Trick or Treat!!

Hello Children!! Remember that line? Tell me which rocker was famous for saying it, and I'll give you one of these pumpkins! Anyway, guess what I did today? Aside from watching Young Frankenstein and recovering from a raging party last night, yes, I carved Pumpkins with my slightly out of it, and very hung-over landlord/employer/friend, Peter.


Yes, these fine specimens were the product of two very tired and sick individuals. This first one was carved with inspiration coming from Iron Maiden, circa 1985.

And the second is the concrete-ization of how I feel after 3 weeks of searching for a job with no luck, and no hope in sight. Hopefully Halloween brings me the luck of the Devil, as it always has in the past...

I want to be a loving, caring pastor!

Seattle has got to be the world's toughest place to find a job. Well, in the Universities anyway. I'm sure I could probably go out and get some job scraping shit off of statues, or washing windows, but I'm holding out for something a little better.
What I'd really like to do is to pastor at a church. I think I could do just as well as any of those fakers out there. I hate nearly as many people as Pat Robertson...they're just different people. But don't just take my word for it. Ask any of my friends over at Jesus' General if you have any questions. Speaking of HATRED, check out this picture I found on one of the religious blogs that I read, well...religiously:

Anyway, my fruitless job search is being exasperated by the fact that I can't move into my new apartment til November 1st. It's killing me!! But only one week to go. The apartment is mine on the first, and all my belongings will arrive from the magical storage place on the second. After three years away from it all, it's going to be like opening a treasure chest. I can't fucking wait!

Fatty Fat Facts for Fatasses

Today just a quick glance at Google News brought me three great stories, beginning with the world's most evil corporation of all time, Wal-Mart. They have decided to cut costs for their employees by offering them cheaper health insurance. Great, huh? But here's the catch...a memo written by the VP of Benefits, was released to newspapers by a labor union-backed group. The gist of the memo is that Wal-Mart will be trying to push out its older, fatter, less healthy workers, and attract a younger, more physically fit labor force. While I am all for discriminating against the fat and the elderly, I believe it should only be allowed on a personal level, and damn the corporations!

"It will be far easier to attract and retain a healthier workforce than it will be to change behavior in an existing one," the Chambers memo says.

Amen, brother. Get rid of that old fatty working register 5!

Our next story concerns Iran calling for the COMPLETE ANNIHILATION of Israel. That would be an impressive feat. maybe once Iran actually gets a few nukes built, they can do something about it. Until then, the point is probably moot. But I'm anxiously awaiting that day...

Story number three concerns McDonald's. It seems that McDonald's has finally caved and is about to give the consumers of its death burgers some facts about the "nutrition" levels in their foods. Have you guys ever seen Supersize Me? I was in Japan until August, so I couldn't see it there, but as soon as I came back to the states, i watched it. If you haven't seen it, put it on your "to do" list. It will make you never want to eat fast food again in your life.

And speaking of McDonald's, it's rare that I get an urge to eat there, but I do get urges to try to find out what ever happened to characters such as Mayor McCheese, the Hamburglar and Grimace. Not so much the Fry Guys though. Check out this link to find out all about the Mystery of Grimace!! Trust me, it's cool!

I'll bet you've never seen Jesus like this...

Friends, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this. I've known about the Jesus Christ Superstore for years now, but had forgotten about it until tonight. Ever wondered what Jesus would be like in a fight? Come on...don't tell me you haven't thought about it. Well, you can get some idea here. And he comes in this handy plastic packaging, so you can keep him clean and away from evil spirits! Check out the website, where you can buy not only Christian action figures, but also such names as Buddha, the Dalai Lama, and many many more! just go here to have all your questions answered!


here are the specs on Jesus:

"the father, the son, and the bad motherf..."
includes Ninja-Messiah throwing nails

Death Killer-Cross pump action over-under shotgun

Figure size - 7.5cm standing

Now that is AWESOME!!

And speaking of hillbillies...

Check out this recent clipping from the Seattle PI. If this doesn't get you hot and bothered, well, you're obviously not an "animal lover."

Man Charged with Trespassing on Farm in HORSE-SEX DEATH!!
SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER STAFF

A truck driver identified in court papers as taking part in an incident in which a friend died after having sex with a horse on an Enumclaw farm was charged Tuesday with having trespassed on the farm.

Though police reports indicate that James Michael Tait of Enumclaw admitted joining the friend and another acquaintance for repeated acts of sex with horses at the Enumclaw farm, prosecutors said he couldn't be charged with animal cruelty because no evidence was found of any physical injury to any of the horses involved.

Tait can't be charged with bestiality. Washington is one of 17 states that permit bestiality.

Police say Tait, 54, was videotaping his friend having sex with a horse in July when his friend "received the injuries that ultimately led to his death."

Tait told police that he, the Seattle man who died and another man repeatedly had sneaked onto his neighbor's farm in the middle of the night, without permission, to engage in animal sex.

The third man was not charged, prosecutors say, because they couldn't find sufficient evidence placing him in the barn during the night in question.

The case was filed in the Southwest Division of King County District Court. If convicted, Tait faces a maximum one-year jail sentence. He will be arraigned during the week of Oct. 31, prosecutors say.

According to Sgt. John Urquhart of the King County Sheriff's Office, the charge against Tait ends the inquiry.

"Nobody else is under any more investigation," he said, including the owners of the farm.
Urquhart said the Sheriff's Office believes sex with animals is not happening any more at the farm.


Ha! Hahahahaaaaaa! And this ain't even Fargo!

Cue Beverly Hillbillies theme music here...

Okay, so I know how you're all thinking that Japan is sometimes fucked up in its weirdness, but check out this bit of local stupidity, courtesy of a bar in Fargo, ND. I guess, if you see that it's from Fargo, you'll just automatically know that it's messed up anyway.

So here's the situation...Hanae and I went to meet a friend at a bar called Playmakers in Fargo. We were in there about 2 months ago, and there were no problems. We've been to many bars in the area, because frankly, I like to fucking drink. Hanae is always getting hassled about her ID, which is Japanese, so she had always carried a copy of her passport with her. She got hassled for that as well, so she has lately taken to carrying her passport with her. This is a pain, but something she can live with. However, tonight the people at Playmakers told us that they don't accept passports as forms of ID!! WHAT IN THE LIVING HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?

I can see not accepting a paper copy of a passport, but the ACTUAL PASSPORT?? I asked to speak to the manager, and she came and verified that they don't accept passports as ID. Hanae then showed them her Japanese ID, since they said they need a drivers license or something like it. They said they couldn't read it (duh) and that it was useless. I showed them mine, so that they could make a comparison. They were too bone-headed to even bother looking. So I asked them why a passport was good enough to get into the FUCKING COUNTRY, but not good enough to get into Playmakers bar. They said that people often made copies of passports (I wonder when their last case of that happened). Oh - apparently, they haven't heard about the kids making fake IDs for the past uhhh...what is it? 50 FUCKING YEARS??? They then (mistakenly) told me that she could get an ID from the state of ND (as a tourist, she can't). I laughed at them, and told them to fuck themselves.

We went and spent our money at another bar that had a little more class (and only looked at her passport for a couple minutes before telling her that it was probably okay, and that she could drink a beer there). Fuck me. North Da-fucking-kota. And they wonder why they have the lowest tourism in the entire 50 states...


Fuckin' Rednecks!

Vancouver, Seattle, And Beyond

The next stop on our journey was Vancouver, where we basked in the Autumn sunshine and drank and smoked alot with my homies, Leo and Yuko. They showed us the finer points of town, including three of the porn shops that Leo runs. Hanae found a dildo that was just her size, but I put the kaibosh on that, as it made me a little uncomfortable in my manhood. Anyway, we went to among other places, the aquarium, Stanley Park, and the waterfront, and also made a pitstop at Mr. Coffee...which you can see below - and yes, the Kanji says Coffee Sensei!!

But alas, our time in Vancouver was short, and it was on to Seattle, probably the best city in America. We stayed with my friend Peter, who was the best of hosts, staying up til all hours of the night with me playing Rumble Racing on the PS2, and allowing us to smoke copious amounts of his weed. But most of our time there was spent trekking to various places, including Mt Rainier, Mt. St. Helens (which is erupting again - lava is flowing there!), the rain forest, the ocean shores, etc. Here's a picture of Mt Rainier as we were hiking in the Sunrise part of the park.

And next we have a beautiful lake that we hiked to. The water was crystal clear, but fuggin' cold! It was amazing though.


The next stop was Mt. St. Helens, which was one of the coolest places we went, since the mountain has recently become active again. Unfortunately, they won't let you get close to the lava though. I wanted to see if the instructions given on South Park actually work (duck and cover!), but didn't get the chance.

The beach at Oceanside, OR is one of my favorite places, but nearly every time I have ever been there, it has been raining. This time was obviously no exception...



And finally, after a month on the road, our fantastic voyage had to come to an end, mostly because we were both running out of money. So with our tails between our legs, we came slinking back to North Dakota in the Kia Penis (see previous post if you don't understand), and are currently spending our time bearing the arctic fucking cold of the plains. Do you know we had a goddam snowstorm in North Dakota on Oct 5th? OCTOBER FUCKING FIFTH???? That, my friends, is the reason I ran away from this place 5 years ago! We'll be making the trek back to Seattle (albeit on an airplane, like sensible folk) next week. For now, we'll just bide our time drinking the $3.50 pitchers of Amber Bach, and watching bands with $2.00 covers. Hope you guys are enjoying yourselves as much as we are!

Sidenote

Did you know that my home state of North Dakota, were it to secede from the union, would have more nuclear missiles per capita than any other country in the world? We could blow any of you fuckers from here to kingdom come, and have enough nuclear payload left over for a couple more doomsdays easily. Maybe you didn't know it, but far be it from me to keep it from you, or from my war-mongering girlfriend, who fanatically insisted on seeing them. I guess she wanted to ride the rocket like a younger, sexier Slim Pickins. Here's a picture of Hanae trying to sneak into the razor wire-protected site. There's not much to see above ground, since the nukes are all planted below, but you get the idea...

The only thing that kept her from realizing her dream was the above-mentioned razor wire (along with some heavies with M-16s sent out by the army), and her enormous, irrational fear of death. Below is a picture of Hanae busted against the wall, and being told to "fucking spread 'em."

Say what you want, but now you're probably thinking those internment camps weren't such a bad fucking idea, huh?

The Continuation of the Amazing Journey

So there we were in Deadwood, SD, home of cowboys, thugs, and wannabe gunslingers. Also home to one of the most famous shootouts of all time, Buffalo Bill vs. Sherriff Whats-his-butt. I captured the re-enactment on film. The scene was just like it was in the days of old, tourists lining the streets to watch Buffalo Bill make worm food out of some green horn who was gonna get what he deserved. Here's a photo of him filling the sherriff full of lead.

Also in Deadwood, I heard the story of many a ghost who haunted the hotels from the (very drunk) owner of the Bullock Hotel where we stayed. And while he was telling us the stories, he showed Hanae and me the tunnels dug under the buildings and streets by Chinese workers over 100 years ago. That may have been the coolest and most surreal part of our trip. Too bad we didn't have any weed in Deadwood...Also, I forgot my camera in the room while he was showing us around. The guy started to get a little creepy though toward the end of the night when he could hardly talk. I thought he was gonna follow us to our room for a threesome or something.

Then it was on to Yellowstone, but not without a quick stop at Devil's Tower for a (Doo Dee Doo Doo Doooo) close encounter of the third kind. Unfortunately the aliens decided not to show their faces on this particular day.


Finally we arrived in Yellowstone National Park for a few days of getting back to nature. The weather was amazing, the animals were numerous, and the water was friggin' hot! It was just what we needed. The night sky in Yellowstone is something you have to experience to believe. Sorry to Tom and Dan, but the stars in Yellowstone are even better than those in Kihoku!






We had a bungalow right next to Old Faithful, the geyser that shoots off (faithfully) ever 94 minutes. We got up in the morning, walked outside, and watched the buffalo grazing right in front of the bastard. It was pretty cool. The last photo in the series here was of a field of geysers at about 7:00 in the morning. The morning temps can get pretty cold in the mountains, and with all the steam from the hot springs, you couldn't see much of anything. It was pretty cool.


Next we hit Banff National Park in Canada, where it had been snowing for a couple days. The first two days there, we were actually stuck in Calgary, because we couldn't get into the mountains around there. It rained on us the entire time while in Calgary. Finally we were able to make it to Banff on our third day in the area. It was actually pretty warm, surprisingly. The Columbia Ice Fields were probably the coolest part of that trip, although just being around those bad-ass mountains was pretty cool too.

In the next installment of our journey, we'll cover Vancouver, Seattle, and the surrounding areas. Until then, enjoy yourselves, whatever you're doing (I assume you're working...heh heh).